5 "Firsts" Every Couple Will Encounter

Get married! From now on, there is a person in this world, and his relationship with you is closer than anyone else; from now on, the two of you have to face and adapt to the changes and challenges in life together.

There are a thousand kinds of happiness or sadness for a thousand couples in the world, but every couple will encounter five "firsts": the first family war, the first child, the first major job change, the first health crisis, and the first divorce. These 5 turning points may make you physically and mentally exhausted, or they may make you love him more and more.

So how can we achieve the latter effect?

First Family War

Marriage makes a couple become a family, but it makes you treat your partner less respectfully or tolerantly than you treat others. With this mentality, when you have friction, the situation will obviously become unbearable.

Two months after Yang Lu and Ma Li got married, they had their first serious conflict over the financial demands of her mother-in-law. Ma Li's mother is a fashionable old lady who often asks her son to pay for her overseas travel and purchase of clothes and jewelry. Yang Xia finally lost control: "Why are you so stupid? Just live with your mother for the rest of your life!"

Circumventing the reef: A survey shows that whether a couple can stay together for a long time depends on how they deal with conflicts. Arguments are inevitable, so fights should be avoided as much as possible. Even if you are furious, don't just yell at the other person. Take a break first and calm yourself down until you can talk in a calm tone. This will control the fight. The specific method is as follows:

Listen carefully to the other person's explanation without interrupting or interjecting, and don't try to defend your own position;

Stick to the facts and don't dig up old issues.

Understand the other party to the greatest extent possible and sincerely seek solutions to conflicts together with the other party.

What I learned: "I consciously stopped myself from saying critical things like 'I told you to do this'," Yang Lu said. "I went up to him and hugged him, and we apologized to each other, and it felt like we were back to the days of being in love."

In marriage, actively avoiding arguments is like covering one's ears and stealing the bell. Ignoring the existence of problems will only lead to resentment between each other. Constructive arguments can actually strengthen your relationship because they show that you are a couple with a high level of trust and are not afraid to open up to each other. Once you get over this hurdle, your relationship will take a big step forward.

First time giving birth

The pain of childbirth and the exhaustion of raising children are unimaginable for couples in love. Having children is a huge psychological challenge for women.

“After I had a child, I seemed to be repeating the life of my grandmother’s generation.” Nan Nan, 30, a mother of 4

The new mother of 20 years old said. "I was completely overwhelmed by the laundry, cooking, feeding, cleaning, and diaper changing. I was very jealous of my husband being able to leave home for work. When he came home at night, the bad emotions I had accumulated throughout the day would burst out and cause a family war."

Bypassing the Reef: Nan Nan’s feeling is not abnormal. Once a mother, a working woman will inevitably devote a considerable amount of energy to her children. For a long time, children will replace work and entertainment and become the top priority. But don't forget that the new father's world has also been completely changed. The most obvious thing is that he has to shoulder the heavy burden of the entire family's finances. The psychological characteristic of men at this time is that they usually feel that they are excluded from taking care of children and therefore feel lost. So, the best way is to take advantage of his loss, assign him to do something within his ability, and make him feel the close bond between family members.

Raising children will cause excessive physical stress and fatigue to couples, which will naturally affect their sex life. Generally speaking, in order to take good care of the baby, new mothers will sleep in the same bed with their children and live separately from their husbands. Most new fathers would be devastated to see their beloved sexual partner completely transformed into a feeding tool. Typically, 6

After 6 weeks, the couple can resume their normal sex life.

After a month, a woman's body and sexual desire return to the state before pregnancy and childbirth. It takes some time for a woman's body to recover after giving birth, and her body is very sensitive at this time. If your wife doesn't want to have sex, you can replace sex with touching and kissing, which can also maintain intimacy.

Gains: By raising children, you learn how to combine the roles of parents and partners, and your marriage enters a new stage. "The child deepens our relationship because he is the first serious thing we have accomplished together," said Nan Nan's husband. Nan Nan added: “We have learned to help each other so that we can handle household chores efficiently and enjoy our life as a couple.”

First big job change

No matter which spouse has a job change, whether it is promotion, demotion, dismissal, or being sent to a branch in another city, it will cause turbulence in the family. At this time, the relationship between husband and wife is put in a secondary position and work takes priority. A job change not only means a change in economic status, but also changes the status, power, self-esteem and the other party's view of oneself in a relationship.

Judy and Liang Bo had been married for four years and had stable jobs and good incomes, but when Liang Bo was 30 years old, he decided to change his career to become a lawyer.

Months to find a job. "During the job search, not only did our income drop significantly, but I had to stay at home and occupy my wife's home office," said Liang Bo. Liang Bo's wife Judy is a freelancer and is not used to her husband staying at home every day. She must work without being disturbed and concentrate. In order not to affect Liang Bo's mood, Judy had to speak carefully, for fear of hurting her husband's self-confidence. She also felt very depressed about this.

Bypassing the reefs: The first step is of course to re-make the family financial budget and redistribute housework, but the most important thing is to re-understand and adjust the roles played by both parties in the marriage.

The most serious problem during this difficult period is the stress between couples. To ease the tension, having an intimate conversation with your husband is key to resolving the issue.

Takeaway: Work and money are directly linked to one’s sense of security and self-worth. Because the first major job change in a marriage is bound to raise these issues, addressing them can promote a stronger sense of responsibility and collaboration between husband and wife. As Zhu Da said: "I know that many family conflicts are caused by money, but we have tried our best to overcome the confusion caused by money." Her positive and tolerant attitude has reduced a lot of pressure on her husband. Once you've dealt with the job change, you'll be lucky to have a supportive partner who will ensure you don't have to face life alone, no matter how hard it gets.

The first health crisis

When any family member falls ill, life will immediately change dramatically. The disease not only changes the order of life, but also gives everyone the opportunity to observe and test how the other party cares for the patient, while also observing how they face the fear brought by illness and death and the fragility of life.

26-year-old Xie Lan underwent major surgery just after her wedding anniversary. Before the operation, Xie Lan saw fear on her husband's face. "He became quite depressed in the weeks before the operation," Xie Lan said. "He wouldn't talk to me about anything at all about the operation." Fortunately, the operation was very successful and ruled out the possibility of cancer, but life became very chaotic. Xie Lan was bedridden for two months, and for the next six months she was unable to work or even do housework. What's worse, she and her husband were filled with anxiety, sensitivity, and loneliness, and resolving these emotions seemed more difficult than curing the disease.

Circumventing the Reef: When a health crisis strikes, everyone has their own way of dealing with it. The patient may be worried about issues such as money or losing his or her job, while the other party is afraid of losing his or her partner and facing life alone. Therefore, you should express your feelings and work together to deal with the fear of "possible loss".

However, most women hate being called vulnerable. When we are sick, we actually need care the most, but we are reluctant to say it out loud because we are afraid that revealing our weaknesses will make others think we have lost our value. There is no need to do this; ask your husband for help - even if you are a fairly independent person.

If you are healthy, ask your husband what he would like you to do for him. Remember this: even just being with him can be a great comfort.

Xie Lan's husband took leave to stay at home to take care of her, and the gap between them was quickly bridged. She was very weak during her convalescence and completely stopped having sex, but her husband's meticulous care deepened their physical intimacy.

Gain: "When my husband confessed to me that what he feared was my surgery, I realized how much he loved me." Xie Lan said: "He took good care of me, even taking me to the bathroom and bathing me. He was the only person who I felt comfortable doing these things for me."

Facing divorce for the first time

No, this isn't about you, but your best friend's divorce process can be a test for your own marriage. You start to think: What caused the rift between the couple, and why did divorce become the only solution to the problem?

29-year-old Mei Zi witnessed the entire process of her good friend Yi Yi's divorce. When Mei Zi and other girlfriends talked about Yi Yi's divorce, they were in tears and confused, wondering in their hearts: who will be the next one?

Going around the reef: Mei Zi and her husband team up to help Yi Yi. They often invited her to their homes for dinner, helped her take the children out to play, and encouraged her to redefine the direction of her future life. In the process of helping Yiyi get out of the predicament after divorce, Mei Zi and her husband's relationship became closer and they understood each other better.

There is another situation where you and your spouse are good friends with another couple. At this time, if they get a divorce, the divorce battle will extend to your home. You want to maintain a good relationship with both parties, but eventually find that maintaining friendship with one party means betrayal to the other party, especially when one of them has an extramarital affair. In this case, you should really consider how to discuss the topic of "divorce" with your friends. When a friend asks you where you stand, feel free to tell a little lie or hide what you know about their new relationship. You and your spouse should secretly agree not to be affected, not to discuss topics that may cause controversy between you, and not to involve yourself in events among your friends that you and your spouse cannot deal with together. (socialxlx) Social psychology knowledge/text

You can help your friends and cry for them, but if you argue or even quarrel over someone else's divorce, or project your friend's problems into your own family life, then take a step back! Put aside other people's problems and plan some romantic actions, such as a short weekend trip or a candlelight dinner at your favorite Italian restaurant.

Gain: Mei Zi was deeply moved by her husband's concern for Yi Yi and her son. This is the "survivor's light" - your friend's divorce brings you a small "guilty benefit": just think about how much your partner cares about you, and you don't have the problems your friend has, and you will find how lucky you are in this world!