Is the ex the best? Teach you how to identify a loser in a relationship

A Loser is the type of partner who causes a lot of social, emotional, and psychological trauma in a relationship. Loser has some permanent defects in his personality. He accepts these characteristics as part of himself and does not think there are any problems or mental illnesses that need to be modified. He usually learns these traits from his relatives/family and then imitates them in his own life. Psychologists often encounter loser victims - men and women whose confidence and self-esteem have been completely destroyed and who are deeply depressed.

1. Rough treatment

Losers will intentionally hurt you. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, pushes you, or destroys your personal belongings, even just once, leave them immediately. Male losers will initially vent their anger by pushing and shoving, or by punching the wall. When female losers are provoked, they often slap, kick or hit people.

2. Rapidly build and express feelings

A loser has very shallow emotional ties with others. One reason you might be attracted to losers is that they say "I love you" very quickly after meeting you, or want to marry you, or have a long-term exclusive relationship with you. Usually after less than a few weeks of dating, you will hear sweet nothings about how you are the love of his life, he wants to be with you forever, and he wants to marry you. You will receive gifts, many vows, and feel his attention and kindness at all times. During the "honeymoon phase," he tries to trap you by promising you that he is the best person ever to happen to you.

Remember what they say - "If something seems too good to be true, it probably is." You may be so caught up in the quick infatuation, vows, and plans to spend your life together that you forget the most important thing - this is illogical! It takes a longer process for normal, healthy adults to develop a serious intimate relationship because there are many factors that need to be carefully considered. Normal, healthy people take a certain amount of time to establish a romantic relationship, gather enough information and get to know each other before making a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can quickly fall in love with someone, but we're not quick to make unrealistic commitments and plan to spend our lives together after three dates. This rapid "heating" is a sign of a superficial relationship. In the future, when losers want to abandon you, they will act just as quickly. Losers usually propose living together or getting married within less than a month of knowing their loved one.

3. Terrible temper

Loser has a very scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend sometimes has flare-ups and behaves in dangerous ways—speeding, damaging property, throwing things, fighting, or threatening others when mad—that anger may eventually get to you. In the early stages of a relationship, you will "witness violence" - they fight with others, threaten others, get angry at others, etc. You hear about violence in their lives. You will witness temper tantrums – throwing things, yelling, cursing, speeding, banging on walls, kicking things. Even though the loser assures you that he only loses his temper at other people or situations and would never do this to you, you still feel humiliated and afraid of his potential for violence. At first he will swear not to vent his hostility and violence on you, but he will make it clear to you that if you offend him one day, he will do the same to you. Gradually, you begin to fear challenging and confronting him, fearing that such temper and violence will befall you.

4. It kills your confidence

Losers will put you down repeatedly and frequently. He will constantly correct your little mistakes and faults (actually reminding you), making you feel nervous all the time, feeling stupid and always making mistakes. He will tell you that you are too fat, unattractive, don't talk right, or are just bad. After he gradually eats away at your confidence and self-esteem, he can do whatever he wants to you - as if he is doing it because you are so terrible. In public, you walk on eggshells—always afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, causing him to explode or start a huge argument.

5. Cut off your external support

In order to completely control a person, it is necessary to cut off his contact with friends and sometimes even family. Loser believes that your friends and relatives will influence you, or criticize him and his behavior. At the beginning, the loser will tell you that your friends are not good to you, are taking advantage of you, or cannot understand the special love between you. If he can't get rid of your best gay friend, sometimes the loser will claim that your friend seduced him. If you contact friends and relatives, the loser will punish you, ask a lot of questions or scold you harshly. In the end, you will feel that it is better not to contact your friends and relatives than to be scolded, blamed, interrogated and abused. You try to keep your distance from your friends and family, so they get angry with you, and then the loser will tell you that they are being mean to you again and you'd better keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated from others and lose their support, it is easier for the loser to strengthen his control over you.

6. The cycle of abuse and caring

Loser's behavior cycles back and forth between abuse and consideration. At the beginning of the cycle, he deliberately hurt you and abused you. You will be scolded, cursed, and threatened for the smallest things. The next day he will suddenly become very gentle and considerate, and do a lot of things for you just like when you first started dating. So you stay, hoping that this cycle of abuse and consideration will be the last. Another consequence of the abusive period is that it gives losers the opportunity to make bad comments about you or people you care about, further eroding your self-esteem and confidence. Losers often apologize profusely afterwards, but your self-esteem has already been hurt - and that's exactly what he planned.

7. You’re always wrong

If the loser is angry or has done something wrong, he will blame you. When he cheats on you, yells at you, treats you badly, destroys your stuff, or publicly humiliates you - somehow it becomes your fault and you caused it. If you're 10 minutes late for a date, he's driving 80 miles per hour, pushing other drivers off the road, and has a sullen face the entire night, it's all your fault. Loser will tell you that if you didn’t make those simple mistakes, if you could love him more, or if you didn’t question what he did, if you could be infinitely tolerant, he wouldn’t be angry, and wouldn’t do those excessive things.

A Loser will never (let me emphasize here, never) be responsible for his own actions - the responsibility is always someone else's. If he drives like a madman and is about to squeeze some innocent motorist off the highway - he will feel that it is not his fault, but someone else's fault because the other person did not use a turn signal when changing lanes. He will give you the impression that you have caused his anger, roaring, and attacks, and that you deserve his rage, violence, indifference, or beatings.

8. Breakup Panic

The Loser panics at the thought of a breakup—unless the breakup was entirely his idea, in which case he’ll drop you like a hot rock. When you propose to end the relationship, an abusive boyfriend will often break down and cry. He will beg you, swear to change, and even express his willingness to marry you, travel with you, and give you gifts. Losers of both sexes may threaten to commit suicide, or go back to their ex-lover (who is probably glad to be rid of him/her), or quit their job and leave the place - as if you are responsible for his/her decision. Losers will make a lot of concessions and offer compromises, such as "Let's just date for another month!" They will bombard you with calls, often one every five minutes, hoping that you will make concessions or meet with them, if only to stop the phone harassment. Some people will call your loved ones, your friends, his friends, or anyone he thinks of - just to have these people call you and convey how much he loves you. Creative losers will put a lot of social and public opinion pressure on you, forcing the other party to prefer returning to the bad old relationship rather than endure this pressure.

Imagine you want to end the relationship, but you get pleading calls from all his relatives (who secretly hope you stay with the loser so they don't have to be harassed by him), read ads in the newspaper begging you to come back, and worse yet, on the local billboards, receive bouquets of flowers at work every day, and he even comes to your workplace and presents you with a wedding ring in front of your co-workers (male loser technique) or tells you that she might be pregnant (female loser technique)! Creating an emotional atmosphere for you and controlling your emotions. If you go back to him, the next time you want to break up, you will be afraid of encountering a worse and stronger reaction. Later, he will often recall the previous breakup with others, further proving how bad a person you are and how badly you treated him. Remember, if your dog jumps over the fence and runs away, you can build a higher fence after you get him back. Once you return to the loser's control, escaping next time will be doubly difficult.

9. Urge you to give up outside interests

Loser will encourage you to give up hobbies, interests, and interactions with other people. If you want to do something on your own, he'll insist on accompanying you, making you feel terrible the whole time. His motivation for doing this is to prevent you from having interests and hobbies that he can't fully control.

10. Neurotic Control

Loser will keep checking up on you, tracking where you are and who you are with. If you talk to someone of the opposite sex, he will ask 20 questions, such as how do you know him. If you don't answer his call, he will ask you where you are, what you are doing, who you are talking to, etc. He'll notice the mud on your car and then question why you went to a certain place to buy something, why you called a certain friend, why a certain friend called you, and so on. Some losers will follow you to a store, and then pretend not to know about it and ask you if you have bought something there, so that they can catch you lying. In serious cases, they will read your mail, search your wallet, hit the redial button on your phone, or even go through your trash looking for evidence.

A high-tech loser may encourage you to make "private" calls to friends at their home, while secretly recording them for review. At first they may "educate" you what to wear, what music to listen to, and how to behave in public places. Eventually they will train you not to talk to certain friends and acquaintances, not to go to certain places, and not to discuss certain topics openly. If you don't have a date on Friday night, a loser will tell you that he will call you - but not sure when. This ensures that you stay at home all night waiting for his call, while being afraid of the verbal humiliation and questioning you will face if you are not at home waiting for the call. Using this technique, the loser can participate in various social activities at will and remotely control your behavior even when he is not present.

11. Public embarrassment

In order to control you in public, the loser will attack you in private or in front of others, curse you, or talk about you in cold, humiliating ways. In public, you find that any opinion you express may provoke verbal attacks from them either at the time or afterwards. If you spend more time with a loser, you will find yourself always smiling politely, being silent, and hanging on his arm in public. You may also find yourself walking with your head down, afraid to run into friends who might talk to you, thus provoking angry reactions from losers.