How to make love more and more

Can sex make a relationship more intense? This article reviews recent studies on sexual psychology and attempts to answer two questions:

□ Will the more you do it, the more you will love each other?

□ How can we make each other happy?

First, people who have sex frequently love each other more than those who don't. In a study of 13,000 people, 16% of respondents said they hadn't had sex for at least a month and were less happy than others. But you, as a smart person, must have thought that this result can also be viewed in reverse: it is precisely because they do not love each other that they do not have sex often.

Talk while doing, the more you do, the more you love

Why does sex have these effects? Psychologist Byers conducted an 18-month longitudinal study and found that sexual satisfaction is related to relationship satisfaction, but mainly because:

□ Sex provides an opportunity for communication;

□ Novel physical activities can increase satisfaction.

In other words, the real effect of making love does not come from the "communication" itself (is this clear?), but from the words you say during the "communication". People who are willing to consider their partners and adjust their "movement frequency", postures and habits during sex have higher sexual communal strength, and both themselves and their partners will be happier, especially for those who already have low physical intimacy.

For example, Babin and Elizabeth's research pointed out that people who say things like "Oh yeah! Right here!" or "A little to the left, oops it fell out" during sex (awk, as if they were joking) have higher sexual satisfaction than those who don't say anything.

When I write this, I think of my friend Piaonini, who always complains that her boyfriend loves AV actresses more than her and would rather watch Hatano Yui take off her clothes than spend a night with her. One day she finally mustered up the courage to ask her boyfriend: "What is it about her that makes her sexier than me?" Her boyfriend replied weakly: "Yu... Yui always says some weird things while having sex..." I laughed out loud!

Is sex after a quarrel effective? Three types of sexual personalities

Don’t underestimate these funny conversations. Sometimes sex is a “nervous” thing and some conversations are needed to ease the awkwardness of the atmosphere.

Although most people are "secure" in love and sex (about 60%), who like themselves and are confident in their relationships, there are still people who worry about their performance during sex, and even ignore the needs of their partner because they are too anxious about their performance and afraid of being rejected. Most of these "hyperactivators" are insecurely attached, have large mood swings, have quick and frequent sex, and try to attract their partner through sex (or invest time and money). There is another type of people, called "deactivators" (sorry I can't think of a better translation). They do not get pleasure from sex. It may be because they have been hurt before, or they are afraid of being hurt again in the future, so they subconsciously deny the feeling of pleasure.

Russell, a psychologist who has studied sex for many years, found that although sex may not necessarily resolve disputes, it may have a protective effect on some people. For example, emotionally unstable people tend to have lower sexual satisfaction, but if they have sex regularly, their satisfaction is no different from that of the average person.

So, will sex lead to reconciliation after an argument? Intimacy scholar Dylan Selterman pointed out in his article that although arguments can increase sexual excitement and sex after an argument can promote intimacy, it has no effect on those who are "not excited."

It's better to say something than not say anything

However, until we can confirm what kind of person he is, it is better to say something than nothing.

Amy Muise, a scholar who has studied sex for many years, attended a workshop called Good For Her many years ago and learned some very useful tips to share with everyone: "Before you start, tell him what he did well (such as good strength) and what you want him to change (such as going slower). Maybe you will have a different experience!"

If you are too embarrassed to say it in bed, then at least you can express your needs to him in normal times, such as "Be gentle next time we do it!", "If it drips on your belly, wipe it with toilet paper!", or even just say "Use your brain for others to use" (it has become a comedy by now). It is always better to be expressive than to hold it in and explode.

The Secret of Kissing and Making Love

In Amy Muise's own research, she also discovered the "Spoon Effect" (After-Sex Affection, which she jokingly called Spooning because it looks like two spoons placed in a cupboard). In her experiment, 335 participants (197 of whom were girls) spent an average of 15 minutes hugging, expressing love and chatting after sex, and the longer they talked, the higher their relationship satisfaction. In this study, two special results were revealed:

□ Chatting after sex is even more important than the “foreplay” that everyone cares about!

□ Chatting after sex is especially important for girls. Although generally speaking, chatting is better than not chatting, the effect is smaller for boys; and the satisfaction of girls who did not share their feelings was much lower than that of girls who did share.

Maybe you will say: "Bullshit! Maybe people who are in love prefer to chat after having sex!"

Amy Muise also thought of this, so she conducted a follow-up study on 101 couples. The results showed that the "change" in emotional expression (chatting after sex) can predict relationship satisfaction three months later. Simply put, although it is possible that people in love "originally" prefer to chat after having sex, even taking this factor into account, "chatting" itself is still associated with better relationship quality (there is no way, after all, it is difficult to use rigorous experimental methods to catch two strangers having sex).

Of course, if your sexual needs are not that high, kissing can have a similar effect. Floyd et al.'s study found that the increase in kissing frequency can predict stress indicators and satisfaction six weeks later. People who kiss more are happier and have less stress.

Well, if you really don’t know what to say, at least you can say “Baby, I love you” after you’re done. The study found that both men and women attach great importance to "I love you after sex".

Orgasm first?

Finally, some people believe that the most important thing about sex is orgasm. The question is, how do you reach orgasm? Intimacy researcher Benjamin

Le reviewed orgasms and proposed several different viewpoints:

□ The Technical Perspective: As the saying goes, “practice makes perfect”. There is only one way to achieve sexual happiness, and that is to practice more!

□ The Partner-Specific Perspective: I don’t know whether to cry or laugh when I came up with this translation. This perspective points out that the more you understand your partner, the more you know how to “turn her on”, so it is important to have a fixed partner.

□ The Committed and Affectionate Relationship Perspective: In fact, what is important is not the skills or the object, but the intimacy and commitment between you and the person. Orgasm often occurs when a woman feels highly secure and connected to her partner, so a stable relationship is also important. In fact, in the most recent sexual intercourse, if the other party is a stable partner (dating for more than six months), 67% of women reached orgasm. If the other party is a hook-up with whom they have had sex more than 4 times, the orgasm rate is only 34%. If they have only done it 2 to 3 times with the other party, the orgasm rate is only 16%. If it is the first time, the orgasm rate is only about one-tenth (see the figure below).

In short, too many times, we always attribute the satisfaction of sex to skills, foreplay and posture, but ignore that "stable relationship", "repeated practice" and "chat after love" are the only way to climax (well, I can write this without blushing), so if you want to have sexual happiness with him (her), please remember the following six words: practice often and chat more.

But first you need to have a girlfriend or a stable partner.